Women: Interested In Football?

"If God had wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created." Roger Simon

“[Sports] are the absolute good.” So says Phinney from A Separate Peace and really, I couldn’t agree more. I was brought up in a very sports-oriented family. Not only was my father proficient at tennis and my mother at golf but I was also taught to understand and respect all forms of athletics. As soon as I was able, I dropped the years of dance that I had indulged in and moved into the more satisfying realm of middle school sports. I embraced volleyball, basketball, and softball while watching football on the weekends with my father. In high school, I again played volleyball and softball and again took up dancing but I watched football more voraciously than ever before, even going so far as to do all my homework during the commercials of the football games on Sundays. Super Bowl became a special bonding time between my father and I. I was even lucky enough to participate in football through our high school Powderpuff Game. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this term, it is a popular high school event where the girls play flag-football and the boys are the cheerleaders, juniors play seniors and it can get pretty dirty. Overall, however it is a really good time. Other than the entertainment value, it was a great way for girls to learn the complexities and the overwhelming beauty of the game itself.
Now I realize that not every woman was granted this in-depth introduction to American football and that maybe these “other” women had parents that loved other sports or, horror of horrors, didn’t like sports at all. However, I feel that football is becoming our new national pastime so that any woman, who is not well-versed in this matter, may just find herself out in the cold. Increasingly, curious females have been asking me questions on various football topics and I do my best to furnish them with answers that they will understand. Sometimes though I am aware that football talk may be Greek to most of you. In fact a coworker of mine, Darbi, made mention of that as a group of us discussed fantasy football. “Fantasy football is the Dungeons and Dragons of the athletic community.” So, sure, any guy can tell you what an illegal movement is but he will probably tell you that the tight end moves while the wide receiver is moving on the line of scrimmage and your then you’re left wondering “what is a tight end?” “what is a wide receiver?” “what is the line of scrimmage and where on earth is it exactly?”
Now this, ladies, is how I intend to help. I will answer your questions so that you do not have 18 other questions after that. Although of course, I can’t possible answer all questions but I hope to give you as many details as possible so that you can sit down in front of a football game and understand it. This insight will then, hopefully, lead to an increased enjoyment of the great game of football, whether college or professional.
Here are some words of advice to aid you on your road to better sports knowledge. Notice I didn’t say better football knowledge. The reason for that is that I feel you can use these tips to watch any sport, whether it be hockey, tennis or, even, golf!
1. Pick a team. Honestly, this is the most important element of enjoying sports because once you pick a team or a player, then you are invested in that game. There is a feeling of ownership. For example, in the movie My Fair Lady, Eliza Doolittle is taken to Ascot’s to test out her new grasp of the English language. Ascot’s is famed for its horse-racing and the day that Eliza arrives is no exception. A race soon starts and Freddy, a gentleman entirely smitten with her, gives her his ticket which shows that he placed a bet on a horse named Dover. Of course, this culminates in the famous scene where Eliza screams “COME ON, DOVER! MOVE YOUR BLOOMIN’ ARSE!” Priceless. How this relates to you though is that Eliza did not pay one bit of attention to the races until Freddy handed her that ticket. After that, she is invested in the race and therefore all her attention is focused on poor Dover. So, the minute you sit down to watch a game, no matter who is playing, pick someone to cheer for. I was teaching a friend of mine about college football and we had decided to watch the Florida State vs. Miami game. When I told her to pick a team, she chose Florida State because she thought that their burgundy and gold uniforms were nicer than the green and orange of Miami. This was fine. Anything that allows you to pick a team. If you like purple, choose the Minnesota Vikings, if you love Tom Brady because he’s so hot, choose the New England Patriots, if you love Home Depot, cheer for Tony Stewart, if you love hotties from Spain, go for Raphael Nadal. Do you get the picture? Guys seem to think that if you pick a team it should be based on who your grandfather cheered for, the area of the country that you were born in and the mathematic ratio of wins to losses over a 5 year period. (I apologize to any men that do not do this.) Now once you start understanding football, then by all means, figure out a team that you like and stick with it. I’m not advocating fair-weather fan-ness here, folks.
2. Try not to ask men to explain things. I’m not trying to malign the male character, but watching sports is one of those situations when you will inevitably not get the answer you were looking for. Either his answer raises too many other questions or he’s too engrossed in the game to take the time to reply and really answer the question. Or he simply doesn’t understand the game either but doesn’t want to say this and possibly get his Man Card revoked, so he’ll just tell you anything at all. Ugh! Again I’m not trying to malign any men but I have had all 3 instances happen to me. It’s frustrating, guys!
3. Make the game into an event. Invite people over or dress up. That helps to make the sport more important and engrossing. Super Bowl parties are fun because they combine lots of people and football. What could be better? Even if you are at home alone, get food and drinks and take time out to give the sport your undivided attention. I like to put on a jersey, slap a cold beer into my team's coozie, and maybe bring down a banner. Have your own way of doing things.
4. Do things during commercials. In other words, watch the game while the game’s on and then during the commercials, go to the bathroom, get another beer, etc. That way you’re not missing much of the action. The advent of DVR is THE BEST THING EVER sportswise.
5. Try to listen to the commentators. You may just assume those guys in the box are there just to hear themselves speak. But I’ll be honest, sometimes they know what they are talking about. Usually there are at least two commentators in the booth, one for the play-by-play explanations and the other for “color,” just making converstion (hopefully about the action on the field.) This normally leads to a nice, balanced, running chat about the game. During football games, you’ll almost be sure to have at least one former player commentating, which is helpful by breaking down the game for you, explaining the plays and the penalties. They will sometimes fall into the crime of using football jargon but that just simply can’t be helped. You can ask me what any term means if you like.
6. Remember, above all else, that athletes and coaches are human, just like you and I. They will make mistakes. They will do really cool superhuman things and unbelievable plays. They will have superstitions. They will have a life outside of the sport. They will say boneheaded things. Take them like that and you will not be disappointed. For example, I like Tiger Woods. Now I know that he has gotten a really, really bad rep lately but here’s the thing—he’s human and made some mistakes. When he was playing golf, I liked him because he was…get this…a good golfer! I’m disappointed that he was living this whole other lifestyle but if he can get it together and still manage to kickass at his sport, then I’ll be cheering for him once again.
7. And for all you advanced football fans, try to call plays and penalties before they do on TV. I think the hardest part about watching football is to actually see penalties occurring. Once you can do that (& call them correctly), you will feel empowered and to be congratulated.

Now it is up to you to make the best of this situation. If you have a male in your life that loves to watch football/sports, this is a great opportunity for you two to spend time together. If you just want to try something new, prepare to expand your horizons. And most of all, let’s have fun!